Laundry and Tiaras and 1 Corinthians 7

Bitter.  Jealous.  Sad.  Lots and lots of cats.


We don't want to be those kind of singles.  So, we put on our tiaras and another layer of mascara and proudly wear our sashes that say in glittering letters: It is good to be married but better to be single!  


So when our married friends start complaining about the laundry and baby spit-up, we sit up taller and ponder aloud where we're going shopping this weekend... or better yet!: how excited we are about our weekend prayer retreat - a honeymoon with the Lord.


And year after year of this same routine, our hearts develop a big callous when it comes to 1 Corinthians 7.


We start to put our own words in Paul's mouth... and instead of his "Marriage is good but singleness is better", we start to believe he said Marriage is a sin and singleness is the only way to holiness.  We do it to help us cope.  To help justify why God would keep marriage out of reach when He Himself says it's a good thing... to help the sting of jealousy go away... to lesson Aunt Analia's hurtful comments... to get Aunt Analia off our backs.


But it's not true.  Paul doesn't say Marriage is Unholy.  In fact, he says that someone who gets married hasn't sinned.  This Greek word for sin is the famous "hamartanō" which literally means (think archery here) "to miss the mark which causes you not to win the prize".  What is Paul saying?  If you get married, you still get the prize!  And what is the prize?  God!  Intimacy and abundant life in Him!  Just because a woman's attention is on laundry and spit-up, it doesn't mean that she isn't getting to enjoy the full life of communion with God.


And yes... I do have a truckload of time that I can spend thinking about God and praying, studying Scripture.  It's relatively easy for me to take an hour, an afternoon or a whole day and spend it with the Lord.  Not so much for my friend with five children.  I think she's delighted when she gets to take a shower.


The freedom I have to spend three hours journaling, well... that's part of the holy perks.  And my friend with five kids... she gets to have sex and snuggle with her little ones.  And that's part of the holy perks.  And yes, we both have big holes of loneliness and frustration and dying to ourselves (a lot of times even in the perks).  We both have different opportunities to live holy lives.  


Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship.  Romans 12:1


Being a living sacrifice might mean volunteering at the homeless shelter or having a long heavy conversation with a friend when you'd rather be taking a bath or disciplining a child when it really does hurt you more than them.


Yes, Paul says it's better to be single.  Easier.  In his brotherly voice (he reminds us that he's speaking out of love and not giving commands here) he says marriage is hard and that if you're single you might as well milk it for all it's worth.  


So, next time your married friend is complaining about laundry and spit-up, put your tiara on her head and start folding the laundry.  We're all in this holiness thing together.

Desire vs. Discontent

There is a difference between desire and discontent.

Some Christian women say "I am content in my singleness" when what they mean to say is "I don't really want a husband right now".  That is a version of contentment, sure.  But, can we be content in our singleness and still have the desire for a husband?  Absolutely.

Desire does not have to be a catalyst for discontent.

So, you are out to lunch with your girl-friends and decide that you all want a bite of that decedent chocolate thing... so you order one piece to share among all six of you.  Each gets one bite.  And you want more.  That's called desire.  Are you going to pout that you didn't get your own piece?  Is it going to ruin your time with your dear friends... or turn a good day into a horrible one?  Are you now going to be discontent?  Ummm.... no.

OK - so, don't take this illustration too far (splitting a man 6 ways, etc...)  but the same is true with marriage.  God created us to be in partnership.  The Bible is clear about that.  Yummy!  Yes, please.  But - do we have to be miserable even though we want it?

I can be content in my circumstances and still pray for, hunger for and hope for something.  So, next time someone questions you - it's ok to say:  I'm really content - but sure!  I'd be delighted if God brought a godly man my way.  It's not a juxtaposition of opposites.

Well, I Heard It Again

"God will give you a mate after you are content in Him," said the preacher.

Yes, we know that every person who has every gotten married was first completely content in God.  And obviously, we know that everyone who is single must not be content with their relationship with God - because if they were, they would not be single.

And the proof text?  Adam.  How Adam was content with God.  And it was only then that God gave him Eve.  I'm not even going there...  And to be fair, two married friends who also heard this sermon heard this quote completely different.  They heard it as - Put Your Relationship With God First ... Make Sure Your Relationship With God is Strong Before Seeking A Spouse.

And maybe that's what the preacher meant.  But it's not what he said.

It's not true.  Just because you are content, flowing and breathing in the Lord - it doesn't mean that THEN you will get a spouse.  And if we don't have a spouse then it doesn't mean that what we feel is a contented, flowing and breathing relationship with God is a false one.

Single, married, somewhere-in-between: The result of being content, flowing and breathing in the Lord isn't a spouse.  The result is God.

An Un-Pity Party

One time I casually mentioned to my mom, "When I get married, I want white sheets."  She quickly jumped back, "Why wait - get them now."  And so I did.  Twice in a row.  And I have so enjoyed them.

What's on your list?  Owning a home?  Something beautiful from Victoria's Secret?   A trip to Hawaii?  Diamond earrings?  A grill?  A power drill?  A set of china?  A real car?

Dave Ramsey, I don't want you to worry if you're reading this.  I'm not proposing that we go broke over these things - I'm just proposing that we use our mad-money on special things... instead of waiting for a day that may or may not come.

Why not?

ar-keh'-o

Living vicariously through other people's photos on Facebook is a great way to land yourself in discontentment on a lonely evening.  The cute couples pictures.  The fun engagement pictures.  The romantic wedding pictures.  The sweet watch-my-belie-grow pregnancy pictures.  The tender new-born pictures.  The silly we're-a-family pictures.

There's always more, isn't there.  Something new to want.  Shoot - I am part of a couple - and have waited a Very Long Time to be so... but there's this 5,000 mile issue that makes me sad... but that's not the whole truth - it's everything else on that list, too.  Everything else I desire.  And if I had the next one, I'd be eying the one after that.  

How can we be content if we're always reaching for the next?

"My grace is sufficient for you," Jesus said.

Did you know that the words sufficient and contentment are from the same Greek root word?  I don't think that's by chance.  We find our greatest contentment when we understand that Jesus's grace is sufficient for TODAY.  We are not promised a white dress and a bouquet.  We are promised Jesus.  We are not promised maternity-wear.  We are promised Jesus.  We are not promised three kids and a mini-van.  We are promised Jesus.  And even though it might take all our emotional courage to hold on to Him... He will be faithful.  

Eve and Satan and Some Things Never Change

A Quote from Dr. Richard P. Belcher in "The Origin of our Problems"

The Serpent comes to Eve and focuses on the negative and tries to plant seeds of dissatisfaction within Eve.  You have the abundant provision of God - all of these trees that they can eat from - and yet what does the serpent focus on?  The one tree.  ...  Instead of looking at the bounty of God's goodness he highlights the one tree that is prohibited trying to plant dissatisfaction with God in their minds.  

Table for Two

by Derek Webb

Danny and I spent another late night over pancakes
We talked about soccer and how every man’s just the same
And made speculation on the ‘who’s and the ‘when’s of our futures
And how everyone’s lonely but still we just couldn’t complain

And how we just hate being alone
Could I have left my only chance
And now I’m just wasting my time
Looking around

But you know I know better I’m not gonna worry ’bout nothing
‘Cause if the birds and the flowers survive then I’ll make it okay
If given a chance and a rock see which one breaks a window
And see which one keeps me up all night and into the day

Because I’m so scared of being alone
That I forgot what house I live in
But it’s not my job to wait by the phone
For her to call

Well this day’s been crazy but everything’s happened on schedule
From the rain and the cold to the drink that I spilled on my shirt
‘Cause You knew how You’d save me before I fell dead in the garden
And You knew this day long before You made me out of dirt

And You know the plan You have for me
And You can’t plan the ends and not plan the means
And so I suppose I just need some peace
To get me to sleep

The Perks

Singleness comes with some downs... but a lot of ups, too.  I call them "perks". 

complete control of the TV

eating lots and lots of garlic

spending my play money on hair products that I don't need

having a messy house when I want it

having a clean house when I want it (and it staying that way)

no picking up of other people's dirty socks

eating cereal for dinner because I love cereal

having every inch of closet space in the whole house to myself

taking as long as I want in the bathroom

loooong baths with no interruptions

a princess bed

lots of time with my girl-friends

long "quiet-times" with the Lord

flexibility in serving the Church and the Lord

Sometimes as "singles", we spend too much time gazing at the greener grass of married life.  Sure there are perks there - different ones, and really sweet ones... but ours are good too.  So, tell me - what are some of your favorite Single Perks?

Why Haven't I Been Chosen?

I know... I know the deep, deep hurt you have.  I know that you feel like everyone around you has been picked.  And your heart is breaking.  I wish I could hug you.  I know you don't want me to say, "Those guys are stupid for not finding you!"... It would only make you force that fake smile even bigger.

And what I have to whisper to you today - I know it might seem trite.  It won't hold your hand or take you to the movies or kiss your cheek when that tear falls.  But, it's the truth.  And though your heart is going to have to fight to really believe it, it will give you life.

You have been chosen. In fact, in 2 Thessalonians 2:13 we read just how much you have been chosen... it's that chosen that your heart desires.  The kind that sweeps you off your feet as He takes you to himself and says You're Mine, aihreomai   It's not just just - "Oh, yah - I'll take that one because she's the last one left..." it's not a "Well, nothing better will come along" kind of choosing.  In fact, it has an element of This Is My Favorite.  You are God's choice.

So, OK... maybe you're not Bill or Steve or Jim-Bob's choice.  Although that would be really, really wonderful... in the end - it's God's choice that matters... And it's you knowing that.  He has chosen you to make you holy and blameless- and part of that is knowing to Whom you belong.

Rich Mullins on Loneliness

I finally realized that friendship is not a remedy for loneliness. Loneliness is a part of our experience and if we are looking for relief from loneliness in friendship, we are only going to frustrate the friendship. Friendship, camaraderie, intimacy, all those things, and loneliness live together in the same experience...

Rich Mullins on God's Goodness

When I wrote Doubly Good For You, we were getting married, and I had written that for our wedding. A friend of mine said, "Boy that is a really cruel song." And I said, "Well, why?" and she said, "Because you are inferring that if God doesn't give you a love that is centered around someone that is true that he hasn't been doubly good to you. I'm like, "Well, exactly." But God doesn't have to be singly good to anybody. We all have got it better than we deserve so we should be thankful for what we have.

What To Do With Your Sadness

First let me say - that I know, I know, I know - that there are Perks of singleness. You know that too... and that it is full of it's own set of good things. But sometimes you're sad. Or hurt. Or wounded. And maybe that doesn't have anything to do with "singleness"... maybe it has more to do with just being human.

The other day I woke up with a neck cramp. Not just a stick neck... but a pinch so painful I was literally sick to my stomach and couldn't breathe easily and had to work really hard to get out of bed. Not a good trinity. As I was praying, I had the realization that this pain was nothing compared to Jesus's on the cross. Which made me start thinking about all my other pains... the wounds of not being asked to the prom, of feeling left out when I wasn't invited to my friends' Valentine's dinner for couples, well... I could go on. Anyway, they might seem silly in the grown-up world - and especially silly to the people who went to the prom and weren't impressed by it. But, the truth is - there are bruises. There are still wounds...

And I think about that kiss. That Judas kiss. And I think about how the people followed Jesus because they were impressed by his magical bread-making skills and not because He Himself was the Bread of Life. And I think about how his friends fell asleep when He needed them.

And maybe my sadness can be part of what I understand of Jesus... that He was rejected... not that the prom measures up to millions of people rejecting you when You are the Son of God... but maybe I can remember that the next time I fall into sadness. Maybe I can think about what it means when I myself reject Jesus.

Isaiah 54

The Future Glory of Zion

1 "Sing, O barren woman,
you who never bore a child;
burst into song, shout for joy,
you who were never in labor;
because more are the children of the desolate woman
than of her who has a husband,"
says the LORD.
2 "Enlarge the place of your tent,
stretch your tent curtains wide,
do not hold back;
lengthen your cords,
strengthen your stakes.

3 For you will spread out to the right and to the left;
your descendants will dispossess nations
and settle in their desolate cities.

4 "Do not be afraid; you will not suffer shame.
Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated.
You will forget the shame of your youth
and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood.

5 For your Maker is your husband—
the LORD Almighty is his name—
the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer;
he is called the God of all the earth.

6 The LORD will call you back
as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit—
a wife who married young,
only to be rejected," says your God.

7 "For a brief moment I abandoned you,
but with deep compassion I will bring you back.

8 In a surge of anger
I hid my face from you for a moment,
but with everlasting kindness
I will have compassion on you,"
says the LORD your Redeemer.

9 "To me this is like the days of Noah,
when I swore that the waters of Noah would never again cover the earth.
So now I have sworn not to be angry with you,
never to rebuke you again.

10 Though the mountains be shaken
and the hills be removed,
yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken
nor my covenant of peace be removed,"
says the LORD, who has compassion on you.

11 "O afflicted city, lashed by storms and not comforted,
I will build you with stones of turquoise, [a]
your foundations with sapphires. [b]

12 I will make your battlements of rubies,
your gates of sparkling jewels,
and all your walls of precious stones.

13 All your sons will be taught by the LORD,
and great will be your children's peace.

14 In righteousness you will be established:
Tyranny will be far from you;
you will have nothing to fear.
Terror will be far removed;
it will not come near you.

15 If anyone does attack you, it will not be my doing;
whoever attacks you will surrender to you.

16 "See, it is I who created the blacksmith
who fans the coals into flame
and forges a weapon fit for its work.
And it is I who have created the destroyer to work havoc;

17 no weapon forged against you will prevail,
and you will refute every tongue that accuses you.
This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD,
and this is their vindication from me,"
declares the LORD.

Hey, you…

I know you just got a letter from that man. I know your heart is breaking from his words that said he wasn’t interested or wasn’t ready or wasn’t whatever enough to have a romantic relationship with you. And no matter what he said, no matter what words he used, no matter what he really meant I know you heard them as “You’re Not Good Enough.”

I’m sorry. I’m crying, too. I’m sorry you’re sad. I’m sorry you’re hurting. I’m most sorry for this fresh wound. It’s Satan you, know. It’s his voice that you hear in your head.

I don’t have an answer, but I know your heart’s deep, deep question: Why? Why not me? Why am I not worthy of being chosen?

I know there are lots of “right” answers:

God has something better in mind for you.

God has someone better in mind for you.

God’s preparing you for something great.

Didn’t Paul say it was better to be single?

Oh, honey! Eat up your singleness. You’ll miss it when you have four kids running you ragged.

God wants to give you the gift that so many of us don’t get to fully understand, that He is our Husband.

You’re so blessed to have a higher calling.

God wants to mature you before you’re ready to get married.

And all those “right” answers are, well... just not all of the truth.  Seriously, I just read an article about how God doesn’t give the gift of marriage to people who aren’t mature enough to handle it. Really? Ummm… I don’t have to look far to see that that isn’t true.

Sigh… big, big sigh.

Yah… I don’t have any answers for you today. But I want you to know that I AM with you… I’m fighting in prayer for you. Just today I was reading how that when Peter was tested, Jesus said he was praying that Peter’s faith would be strong… Yes, a faith that is stronger than the answers.