Spoken 3: Real Life

Here He was, rich in agony - physically, mentally, spiritually... and so rich in His provision of love for His mom.  Mom, here's your son.  Friend, take care of my mama.

I hear compassion.  I hear gentleness.  I hear great care.  She had other kids.  Surely they would have taken care of her.  Couldn't she sew?  Or clean?  Couldn't she find someway to live?  Couldn't she make it on her own?  

from craigmod.com

I know that being single sometimes seems like the bucket of blessings is empty.  That you've been forgotten.   That you've been left behind.  That you've not even had the chance to choose the short-end-of-the-stick.  And even when you hear Jesus's care for His mom, you think - well, at least she got to have a husband and kids...

But can you hear her heart, too?  Do you think she was surprised?  Taken aback?  Here, her firstborn was dying tragically, horrifically - and yet He gave breath to her daily life?  The life of laundry and food and of sweeping the floor?  Do you think these words startled her?  And if she was still treasuring all this in her heart, did it make any sense?

I think I have the temptation to believe the Gospel is all about the good news of eternity.  But, how can it be about eternity if it doesn't have tendrils into today?  Into my daily bread.  After all, Jesus is the same today as He was that day on the cross (Hebrews 13:18).  His love that redeems us for Heaven, redeems our todays for His glory out of His compassion.  Even though He knew He was this close to the place He really belonged, He was was taking care of the less glorious here on earth.

And, I don't want to pass this up.  I don't want to think - yah-yah-nice-of-Him.  I want to see His humanity.  His heart for humanity.  I want to see His fully God fully man compassion.  And I want you to see it, too.  I want you to be overwhelmed with the fact that Jesus reached out to touch people no one else would touch.  That He came to heal the wounds that had no hope.  That He came to wrap His glory around misfits and outcasts and the people who didn't have it all.  And He spoke eternity into their mundane.

Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed," says the LORD, who has compassion on you.

Spoken 2: Paradise

My three favorite places in the world are about 6,000 miles apart.  A hot tub some where a little east of Seattle.  A pool in Cap Haitian, Haiti.  A bike path in northern Italy.  One has a view of snow capped mountains and my new husband.  One has a view of clear water and a book in my hands and my girl friends who know me inside and out.  One has grapevines and Italian grandparents sitting on benches people watching.  One a honeymoon.  One a ladies' retreat with missionary co-workers.  One where I went when I was lonely.  All of them gentle, quiet, sweet.  Still.  And all of them had trees.

I used to think I was a water person.  Which I am.  But I also need growing things.  Or, maybe as I grow older, I need more growing things.

I have had a weird week.  It's had a lot of fun things.  Intense things.  Busy things.  But, I need that gentle, quiet, sweet time of stillness. And I think I might need growing things.

The word "paradise", means a park, forest, orchard.  A place where things thrive. And grow strong.  And I could be safe there.  Safe from my stress.  Safe from my desire to please everyone - which really is the desire for approval.  Safe from worrying or planning or pretending I'm God.

Ah.  That is really what I need a vacation from.  Me.  Me as God.  It's exhausting.  It's somewhat terrifying.  It's draining - on my energy, mind, and people I love.  It's also pretty lonely.

How can I stop this pattern of seeing myself as the one who is In Control of not just my world, but maybe the whole world?  Even when I come across verses like Proverbs 16:13, which basically says that God even controls what numbers you get when you throw the dice, I read past it, and am determined to get the numbers I want.

When will I ever learn?  When will I be at the end of my I've Got It rope?

I think this is really hard for us head-strong ladies who are fulfilled, independent, and capable.  Especially when you've have to do it yourself because there isn't a husband would take care of it.  Especially when you want to make sure that everyone knows you're OK with singleness (even though that ok feeling ebbs and flows).  Even when you are really hoping that what doesn't kill you will make you stronger.

And so, what forms in your heart is an idol of self sufficiency.  I have to do it alone because I have to.  And I have to be in control.  And I have to take all the responsibility.  And this is who I am.

That idol is so hard to break.  So very hard to break.  It's hard because it's functional.  It's practical.  It actually works.  Where does it take me?  To a successful job, a thriving ministry?  To everyone looking up at me?  To being a role model for other single women and living a life worth the envy of women who are married?  To exhaustion?  To bases left uncovered?  To a wall of self-sufficiency and selfishness that cannot be crossed by family and friends?  To a marriage of  non-submission and control battles?

It leads to death.  Because in the end, I am not the god I think I am.

Then there's that guy on the cross, the one on the end.  The one who knew who he was.  He knew he was a sinner.  He knew he deserved to be up there.  And he knew who Jesus was.  Perfect.  Innocent.  And  divine.

We are punished justly, for we are getting what our deeds deserve. But this man has done nothing wrong.”  Then he said, “Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom."

And Jesus knew.  Jesus knew all the man's sins.  The hatred.  The pride.  The idols.  And still, Jesus offered this man paradise.  A place of rest and restoration.  A place of letting go and trusting Him.  A place of strength and growth.

...today you will be with me in paradise.

Paradise.  Maybe I need to just sit for a while.  I'll water my plants on the balcony and just sit with them.  And remember that even though I have so many sins, that God, in His perfect, sweet love desires to give me rest.  Forgiveness and rest.  Now.  And Eternally.

Spoken 1: Gardening Tools

I carry this tiny little dagger in my heart.  Ummm...  I'm really tempted to re-write that.  I mean, it's really, really, really tiny.  Microscopic.  Smaller than microscopic.  And it's not really a dagger.  It's not very sharp at all.  It's like a little round thing.  It isn't exactly soft - but it's not pokey.  Like a little BB.  Well... that doesn't make it any better, does it?  It's still a weapon.

All those just-friends boys who were really just-friends.  All those guys who told me I would be a great wife someday but didn't want me as their wife.  All the guys who didn't choose me.

Yikes.  I'm really ashamed by that.  And the longer the list gets, my BB turns back into the dagger of bitterness it really is.  Oh, LORD, have mercy on me.  I look at the heartache I've carried... I look at the mean things people have said and done and I need your healing.

And somewhere from a hill half a world away, I hear these words.

Father, forgive them.  They know not what they do.

And I have to stop.  The faces of the guys who disappointed me.  That vision is nothing.  Who am I that every knee should bow?  That the wonderful things I do and am should be honored at all times?  I am not the Messiah.  I am not the perfect lamb.  I was the one who deserved the Cross.  Not Jesus.

And yet, Jesus asks God to forgive the people who were killing Him.  They don't understand.  They don't get it.  They have no clue.

And so, when I think back to the men who didn't give me a second glance, or who didn't fall head-over-heals, how can I hold any bitterness when I think of Jesus?  He didn't condemn them... He desired that they would be forgiven.

My weapons of bitterness - my BBs and my daggers- do no good.  They promise protection, but I'm the one they are hurting the most.  And although he is gracious, I know my husband feels the side effects. Isaiah 2:4 tells of a time when weapons will be melted into gardening tools.  And I'm asking God to do that in my life.  I'm tired of this war.  I'd rather have a garden.

Spoken From the Cross - Introduction

Jesus on the cross.  Something we take too lightly because it's too big.  It's too important.  It's too shameful. All my pride, my anger, my brokenness- all the punishment paid for to a Holy God by a Holy God.  I want to sit down with this for a little while.  I want to bring my cup of coffee and the Scriptures and open ears and see what God's Son had to say while He was being my sacrifice.  And I'm going to ask the Holy Spirit to speak into my pride, my anger, my brokenness and show me the hope and healing God Is... especially in the scars of my singleness.

Over the next few weeks, I'm going to walk through the seven things Jesus said while He was on the cross.  This is nothing new.  There are many books about these words.  Many extremely smart scholars have lots to say.  But I need healing in my small world.  So, my prayer is going to be:

God, show me Your love, sovereignty, and holiness through the cross in regard to the scars I carry from being single.

I have a hunch, though, that it's not just the wounds of singleness that need attending to - it's my wounds of sin, idolatry and unholiness that need a salve.

Salve.  We don't use that word much.  But we all know what it means.  My sister-in-law made some fun soaps and scrubs to give as Christmas presents.  One of these little jars was a jar of green salve.  You know exactly what it feels like when I say "salve", don't you?  You can feel the thick, slimy, fullness of it.  I use it for everything.  Shingles.  Cuts.  Shaving.  Removing eye makeup.  Mask on dry hair.  Rosacea.  It's healing.  That's the point.  "Salve" means healing.

And I know that my salvation has a greater work than the amazing ticket to heaven it bought me... it has healing to do in the deepest areas of my bruised, sinful nature.

So, here we go... with this prayer from Ephesians 1...

God, You are the Father of glory.  Please give us the Spirit of wisdom and revelation as we desire to know You.  Enlighten our hearts so that we can know the hope to which You have called us, the riches of Your glorious inheritance and the immeasurable greatness of Your power toward us who believe, according to the working of Your great might that You worked in Christ when You raised Him from the dead...

A Letter For A Friend Going On A First Date

My friend wrote a quick note saying she was going on a date... and asked if I would pray that she wouldn't keep thinking what if he doesn't like ______ about me...  And it got me to thinking, that even after two years of courtship and almost two years of marriage, I am still asking the same question.

http://everydaysurprises.blogspot.com/2013/01/a-letter-for-friend-going-on-first-date.html

A Poem

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=igCj3jsbcqs#!

Myths...

http://theresurgence.com/2011/05/09/9-myths-about-sex-relationships-among-emerging-adults