I know you just got a letter from that man. I know your heart is breaking from his words that said he wasn’t interested or wasn’t ready or wasn’t whatever enough to have a romantic relationship with you. And no matter what he said, no matter what words he used, no matter what he really meant I know you heard them as “You’re Not Good Enough.”
I’m sorry. I’m crying, too. I’m sorry you’re sad. I’m sorry you’re hurting. I’m most sorry for this fresh wound. It’s Satan you, know. It’s his voice that you hear in your head.
I don’t have an answer, but I know your heart’s deep, deep question: Why? Why not me? Why am I not worthy of being chosen?
I know there are lots of “right” answers:
God has something better in mind for you.
God has someone better in mind for you.
God’s preparing you for something great.
Didn’t Paul say it was better to be single?
Oh, honey! Eat up your singleness. You’ll miss it when you have four kids running you ragged.
God wants to give you the gift that so many of us don’t get to fully understand, that He is our Husband.
You’re so blessed to have a higher calling.
God wants to mature you before you’re ready to get married.
And all those “right” answers are, well... just not all of the truth. Seriously, I just read an article about how God doesn’t give the gift of marriage to people who aren’t mature enough to handle it. Really? Ummm… I don’t have to look far to see that that isn’t true.
Sigh… big, big sigh.
Yah… I don’t have any answers for you today. But I want you to know that I AM with you… I’m fighting in prayer for you. Just today I was reading how that when Peter was tested, Jesus said he was praying that Peter’s faith would be strong… Yes, a faith that is stronger than the answers.
So, I hesitate to post this comment for fear someone will find out I posted and see what I wrote and tell me that's the reason I'm single...(sort of joking, sort of not).
ReplyDeleteThanks, April, for your thoughts. I agree with you. I don't think there are answers for singleness. I also really bristle at the thought of singleness being a curse or a holding pattern. Like we're all airplanes and the normal ones land (into marriage) and then there are those of us who are just circling the airport, waiting for a landing clearance and no one's really sure whether we'll get it or not.
I was in church on Sunday and the service was for husbands and wives. I am neither. I had a deep sense of shame when a passage of scripture was read by the audience; wives were instructed to read the first portion of the passsage out loud, husbands the second. I felt embarrassed and left out and aberrant.
And then I felt equally ashamed for scorning the life God has beautifully crafted out for me so far. As if, by some fault of my own or God's mysterious sovereignty (which one it is I wrestle to sort out the answer to regularly), that none of the threads in the tapestry of my life have been weavable. As if the loom and the weaver would be a husband and not God.
I'm not going to lie, I long for marriage (only maybe a little less when I've been around bad marriages). I just want to be able to long for it and not drown in a belief that it is the arrival in my life and everything I live today is just making the best of things.
Most days I know that. Sometimes when I know I've not been invited out with friends because I was a single and it was a doubles evening; when my church has preached three times to married people specifically since April and not once to singles; when married women tell me they wish their lives were easier like mine--sometimes then it's hard to remember.
But if my singleness has taught me anything, it's to regroup and see things God's way, to fight for the truth in my heart.
I like the idea of a blog to do that:) Thanks April!
I think the Church has really dropped the ball on this one, to just be really frank. Rich was asked a lot about being single, i think it freaked all of CCM-dom out and people probably wondered, you know, "WHAT'S WRONG WITH HIM?" in all loud yelly caps lock. If you look at Rich's life, just as one example, he had this great freedom as a single man to sort of pick up and go any time - and "go" could mean visit his Compassion Int'l kids in Bogata, or it could mean go play a show. I have worked with a friend of Rich's who tours still, and is married, and i can still only imagine how hard that is, to leave his family for even a few days at a time.
ReplyDeleteI just don't get how the church doesn't see what a gift singleness can be. (And if anyone asks, "Do you wish you were married?!", i highly suggest stealing this from Rich: "Yeah, between 10 and 2"). :D
ktmiss - I'm so sad that you had a sense of shame! That is straight from the pit of hell, frankly :( I hope you're feeling better about life and especially about the unique person God made you to be. :)